Swinging & Infidelity
What Do Swingers Do & Why Are More Women Cheating?
Oprah is of course a leader among women and I was so happy to see that she covered these topics as they are truly important to be educated and speak openly about these things.
I couldn't help but think about the guests that appeared on the show and how coming out in public with the life styles that they chose for themselves would ultimately affect them. I think that they may find themselves surprised at how much positive and negative feedback they will receive as this is a topic that people get worked up about.
Obviously Oprah's staff looked for the most shocking types of people to reveal as swingers for that segment of the show; constantly saying things that reinforced their personalities to be the least likely type of person to do something like this.
For example they kept mentioning that the swinger guests were Ph.D.s, Masters educated, had children, was a minister, or even ran a Brownie group. I had to chuckle when they kept emphasizing that because I think people are truly so taken in by someone's "credentials" and in turn tend to make those who seem stereotypically "wholesome" seem incapable of sexual activity that involves anything out of mainstream. The reality is that it simply does not matter if you are a Ph.D. or a grade school drop out... your sexual preference is not dictated by education or social status. We are all human after all and have individual needs that work with our own sexuality.
For example, Tina and Sam have been married for 22 years and have three children together. They're basically upstanding citizens, they go to church every week, both have their Ph.D.s, and they also say they are kind of "boring" people.
However what most people do not know about Tina and Sam is that they are swingers, often having intercourse with other couples. They both look to clubs, or the Internet to meet other like-minded couples.
Tina expressed that for them, they felt that swinging enhances their experiences with one another. "Some of the best sex we've ever had is after we've been with somebody else," said Tina. Tim did provide a warning to the audience by saying of swinging that "This is a magnifier. If you have problems in your relationship, it's not something you should try."
What Is Healthy?
I think where there is the most confusion is how to know when a relationship is healthy and when it is not. The answer to that is complex, but to simplify... it is healthy when you are doing what fulfils you and allows for you to be empowered and furthers your growth. It is unhealthy when you cause harm to yourself or someone else (such as lying, cheating, and doing things that lower your integrity).
The best way to know what is right for you and/or your partner is to COMMUNICATE. If there is one thing that I could stress above all else in regard to what makes a relationship or sex great it is communication.
My husband and I have spent a great deal of time and effort to make sure that we speak with one another. We do not assume that what we once felt or thought will always be the case because we respect that we are always evolving as people and as a couple. We find it essential to communicate about what we want in our lives from our sex life to our relationship. Without that communication I can't imagine that we would have the deep and loving marriage that we have.
For example, we touch base with one another to see how we are doing. We will ask if we are feeling satisfied with one another in specific areas and if not we discuss how we can improve. It is a great idea to envision a relationship as a car that will need to be fine tuned and provided maintenance over the years. Without that, it will breakdown just as many marriages breakup.
When my husband and I discussed having an open relationship and joining a swingers lifestyle neither of us felt that we would be happy with that path and so we have decided to have a closed monogamous relationship which has happily served us.
However, we do check in with one another to discuss whether we ever think about that or if we are feeling that our choice no longer serves us. So far we continue to desire a monogamous marriage, but the fact that we take the time to openly ask is what I believe is just one of the ways we show respect for one another through a willingness to truly explore one another's desires, insecurities, and other important aspects.
That is why many swingers will tell you they are happy. Swingers that are successful at their lifestyle are so because they do the same thing. They lovingly communicate with one another allowing open dialog that provides trust, safety and respect. When you do this in a monogamous relationship or an open one you will find a happier relationship.
To Swing or Not To Swing?
If you are someone who is interested in swinging but are not sure if it is for you. Make sure to read our article on Swinging & Becoming A Swinger.
Increase In Infidelity Among Women
Newsweek recently exposed a well-kept secret the sex lives of American wives. What they've discovered is startling. With over 15 percent of women cheating on their husbands one must look at not only why there is a shift but why they do it.
Why the Shift?
One of the things that Oprah and her guests agreed upon was that marriage is changing. People are looking outside of what is defined as a "traditional marriage" to find what is right for them. Part of the reason is that women's roles on society have changed. With more than 60% of women in the work force and over 25% of those women earning more than their male partners, women are taking a different approach to sex.
Why They Do It?
Adrienne Lopez and Stephanie Gertler are journalists who have written a new book called To Love, Honour and Betray: The Secret Life of Suburban Wives. They found that women who were cheating on their husbands would end the affair if they were treated differently by their husbands. Yet, that conclusion sounds a bit one sided. It seems that if a woman or man cheats on their significant other married or not that there is more than just not being treated well.
Stephanie Gertler almost tearfully told the Oprah audience "we would ask them, If you came home one evening after having this affair, and you walked in the house and your husband had votive candles lit and was dressed beautifully, and he had a stew on the stove and a bottle of wine, and he looked at you and said, 'Tell me how to love you, tell me what it is I need to do to show you I love you,' what would you do? Would you leave your lover?" And every one of them cried and said that's what they want. They want their marriage. They want their husband.
Problem with a statement like that is the focus then becomes the cheater now appearing to be the victim. This is simply not the case in most situations. The truth is usually that neither partner has made an effort to make their relationship work.